Which is more real, the person we are RESPONDING to, or the person who exists?
In fact, we can only see people as we expect them to be, how we believe them to be. Many times I have seen a client (or family member) change–become more or less optimistic, more or less energetic–when leaving or entering a new relationship. The new wife thinks his quirks are cute; the former wife thought he was crazy. The new teacher thinks the boy is quiet becuase he “has an artist’s way;” his teacher before said he was pathologically shy. What those around us BELIEVE to be true about us will have a strong tendency to be played out, just as our spouses, children, and friends will play into our expectations.
The person who believes she is unlovable behaves in ways to repel love. The husband who thinks his wife is wonderful, generous, kind, and capable is married to a woman who grows and blooms with confidence. Maybe it “shouldn’t” be that way. Maybe we should all be so mature that others’ expectations do not touch us. But this is not reality as I know it.
In Atonement, a young girl, who cannot clearly see the face of a rapist, identifies the perpetrator using the context of her own hurt feelings and her interpretation of his earlier behavior as that of a “sex maniac.” She remakes the face of the rapist to be the person who has diminished her own sense of self. Even knowing at some level that she has given emotionally driven rather than factual testimony, her wounded sense of pride and jealousy keep her from admitting the truth for years, even to herself.
Atonement brings to the forefront a struggle we each face everyday. Can we be more than the expectations of others? Can we contribute to the joy others experience in life by projecting positive attributes onto them? How will our most important relationships change if we consistently give others the benefit of the doubt?
What happens if we just step up to the plate and say, “Hey, world, I can do anything I set my mind to? I can and I will.”
Having not much of a life and a fondness for action movies, I watched the whole Bourne saga this weekend. I won’t need to beat anyone up for a long time!
Your comment about how one person sees the other person very much drives the Bourne movies, as those who trained Bourne fall, one by one, into the traps they set for themselves as they try to kill him. Despite their incredible network, they filter all the information through their own sense of denied guilt, vicarious thrill of using others to kill, and their well-deserved fear that they will be found out…and they are.
Bourne struggles to discover his identity and then to begin atonement for the things he has done. I have not read the Ludlum books, though I understand that the movies were updated considerably to avoid being period pieces and to use a younger actor. But my point is that everyone’s actions are driven by how they percieve Bourne, and that is through their own filtered view of reality.
Bourne certainly makes the decision to live his own life.
Now I have a rationalization for watching action movies!
I watched Atonement recently and loved it (don’t know why).
I always just thought that the little Brionne was too young to know the weight of her accusation; if she had known she probably wouldn’t be so “confident” to point the finger. But it was more the ending that amused me where actually both lovers died and she decided to write a book to play out her wishes and guilty conscience. I found it beautiful. But I also wondered if she could ever forgive her “innocent” self in the past.