One man, alone in a Lawton, Oklahoma motel room with an anxious, freaked out partner…does the IMPOSSIBLE. He responds using his THINKING instead of his EMOTIONS…..when I’d provoked and provoked and provoked…
At that moment, my belief that a person can change, that a person can learn to manage anxiety…soared.
If ever someone was out-of-control and unpleasant the night in the Value Inn, that person was me. (See previous two entries)…And, yet, the person with me, did not respond to my immaturity with anxiety-driven emotional immaturity of his own. Instead of ‘going with his emotions’ he responded to me in a differentiated way.
Definition of Differentiation: the degree to which a person can tell the difference between thoughts (fact based) and feelings (anxiety-driven)…and the degree to which a person is able to choose between acting on thoughts or feelings.
Examples: Prisons are occupied by persons with low differentiation. Low differentiation is in evidence when we are pre-occupied by the way things should be over how they are… When we buy what we don’t need, eat what we regret, cut-off from people who don’t agree with us, ruin a conversation by arguing, insist on being right–all behaviors which I, for one, have accomplished already today…(Not the prison. But I do have to fly again and I’m pretty fragile. Arrest is not out of the question.).
Now, I ask you to return to the horrid motel room described in the previous two parts on complaining. Picture the even more horrid person, me, compulsively exaggerating and pointing out every unpleasant element to my special person…Who is stretched out watching scores come in on ESPN. He’s not ignoring me, (He’s not stupid) he’s listening and nodding. He’s just not into the fireball of “This shouldn’t be happening! This is horrible, terrible, and I can’t stand it!”
He does not tell me to stop my immature behavior.
He does not claim my behavior has ruined his good time.
He does not remind me of times in the past in which I’ve behaved like a jerk.
He does not say I remind him of another person in my family.
He does point out that I have a been jerk to Mr. Sensible and spouse.
He does not suggest I was less than pleasant to the desk clerk at the lovely Lawton, Oklahoma, Value Inn.
He does not go on about how thousands of people sleep on sidewalks.
Most important, he does not go nuts trying to take the other side, refuting that each horror I point out is ‘not that bad’.
What he did: After inventorying the motel room, I said something like, “Okay, fine. I’m going down to that cafe in the parking lot and order something to go. Do you want to go with me?”
He asked: “Are you going to keep on with the bitching?”
I said: “Yes.”
He hopped up and slid back into his jeans. He said: “Well, then. I’m not about to miss that!”
