Why Bowen Theory? The Man Who Changed…Really
How Hot is Your Internal Dr. Pepper Thermometer?
What are the thoughts that define you? What Are the Thoughts that Destroy You?
Bowen Theory is a way of thinking that translates into a way of being. Don’t worry that you have no idea what I’ve talking about. The goal with this series is a pay-it-forward, a sharing of a way of thinking about behavior that I know can make a difference. We have thousands in our brave group including learners from four continents. Welcome.
Even the name ‘Bowen Theory” can sound over-whelming. Bowen Theory isn’t a temporary paste-on process like the diet-of-the-month magazine circus. But, we’re going to go slow, with lots of examples and we’re going to have lots of fun. By looking up sites for the Bowen theory research and practice around the country, you can collect articles. My presentation is not intended to be all inclusive or even the perfect rendition of theory. Just one person trying to make a difference. Remember, all entries on this topic will be under the Bowen Family Systems category.
A way of being…wow.
Your way of being is not about what you are doing…it’s about how you’re doingit…how you’re BE-ING.
Can you really change your automatic responses to others, to events, and to yourself? Do you believe your spouse, your mother, your sister or whoever you struggle with is capable of responding to you differently?
Setup: San Antonio, Texas, Brackenridge Park. My husband and I are walking amid the oaks and cypress along the river…when I muse out loud about the recent marriage of one of my riding buddies who grew up in a wealthy family and married into an even wealthier arrangement. “I wonder,” I began, “what it would be like to be married to someone who was really rich. You know…so rich that when you wanted to take a trip, you didn’t have to get your ticket 21 days in advance? So rich, you could have a career, but only if you wanted to? Imagine marrying into asitua tion where you never had to worry how much something cost or even payingyour own bills?”
Oops. Then I caught myself. What must I sound like to my husband? How would I feel if I was the man in this relationship? If a man going on like I was, he’d be saying, “I wonder what it would be like to be married to a really beautiful woman? You know…a tall, graceful woman with perfect long legs and nicely stacked, with a face that belongs on magazine cover?”
Yikes. We’d been married quite awhile by then, thus I thought I knew what was going on in his head and how he would respond. First he’d point out that my friend’s new husband worked all the time–and how I wouldn’t like
that. Then he’d start in on the conspicuous consumption of my other riding buddies. Maybe he’d even turn the tables—the best defense is a good offense—and suggest that yours truly is shallow and easily impressed by money. After all, these had been responses in the past when my horseshow friends’ economic freedom had been mentioned.
But I was wrong. After a few minutes of silence (which never didn’t used to happen), my husband said, “Hmmm…I guess it’s different for boys growing up. We, or at least I, never thought about my circumstances changing with marriage. I think guys expect to live on whatever than can train themselves to earn.”
Did you feel the earth tilt? He responded with a logical, thoughtful answer. If you’ve been married a long time or played child rearing or political battle games with family….You know how big this is. I asked what had happened to the guy I married. My husband had been studying something called Bowen Family System Theory at Georgetown in DC. As part of that program he’d been monitoring his anxiety responses and playing a little game with himself. Anytime he felt anxiety…and my wistful blathering definitely qualified, he’d imagine he had one of those man-sized Dr. Pepper thermometers (the kind on the front porches of my dear Appalachian relatives)…and instead of listening too closely or watching too closely the situation that had him anxious, he put all his concentration into keeping the temperature of his inside thermometer at seventy-two degrees.
And there it was. Proof that a person could change automatic self-defeating responses. Proof that you can change.
