MYSTERYSHRINK BANNED IN VEGAS!

Dateline: Las Vegas Branch Office in the Paris Hotel Race and Sports Book.

You’ve heard about the awesome high rollers banned in Las Vegas? The wise guys banned for counting cards or using some other complicated system at the Blackjack tables? The just too famous for their own good celebrities banned for their wild antics?

Well, turns out, getting banned in Vegas is not as nearly as hard as those celebrities make it sound.

In fact, with the help of my friend (Let’s call her Janie) I, too, was able to achieve “banned in Vegas” status.

Anxiety. (That word is a plant. The guy who helps me with this blog says I  have to include certain words. I’m not about to tailor posts to fit the words, so every once in a while, you’ll see a word that makes no sense. These words will be in green. I’ve tried to tell him this blog doesn’t sell anything and it’s my ‘pay it forward’, but he says he feels unfulfilled. And we don’t want that.)

Yes, even the cool-as-ice Blackjack dealers trembled and formed human umbrellas over their chips as Janie and I approached. A few even looked away, foolishly attempting to pretend they were not on duty. Stress Management Tips. We heard their whispered prayers as we passed.

And, not only did the casinos feel a need to suggest that Janie and I find other vacation spots, our presence and style impressed the maître d’s of the finest restaurants. Nothing was too good for Janie and her pal. As we approached, they stepped out and offered us free meals . . . at other restaurants.

Relationship Improvement. Not even the tough-as-nails time share sellers, who will stand upright on the faces of anyone with a pulse and a decent credit rating, even these bloodsuckers would not approach us as we made our way along the Famous Las Vegas Strip. 

Anxiety. How did we score such fame in Vegas? It all started out so innocently. Here we were on our annual outing, and my friend was having some diabetes-related difficulty walking long distances.

And, in case you’ve never been to Vegas, here’s something you should know:

1)       There are no short distances.

2)       The hotels have been sprayed with a magic paint sealer to make them appear much closer than they are. A trek to the resort “just the other side” of the hotel is comparable to hiking the Grand Canyon without the trees.

3)       Your hotel room is always so far from the restaurant where you are having breakfast, you’re better off just buying another of whatever item you forgot.

Thus, to get around, Janie rents one of those nifty little scooters, a cherry red beauty. Sounds harmless, right? Maybe even a little bit cute. Cute isn’t the way it turned out. See Next: Banned in Vegas Two, the Road Rage Years.

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