What does it mean when a parent says, “She’s so sensitive?”
Does it mean she’s, INFLEXIBLE, FEARFUL, LIKELY TO EXAGGERATE, LIKELY TO TURN ON HERSELF, LIKELY TO TURN ON OTHERS? (Fearful of what you ask? All those bad things, those waiting-to-get-you thought-streams in your imaginary lint tube. See yesterday.)
Ouch. “Sensitive” doesn’t sound so good. 
When others see you as “sensitive,” in what ways do others change their behavior so that YOU DO NOT GET ANXIOUS?
I know, I’ve been told. And, now I’m back.
And when I review the complaints over my absence, I remind myself of what I tell clients who complain that their spouse or parent or sibling “is always wanting me to spend more time with them.” 
I reply, “It could be the opposite, you know. Think about that. How would it feel to hear your spouse, sibling, or parent is always saying, ‘Gee, I wish I could spend less time with (your name here)’.”
The spin YOU put on your life as it plays out is UP TO YOU.
Everyday, in every way, work on that ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE. 
TOMORROW. YES, TOMORROW: Back to our efforts toward greater emtional maturity, to our efforts to have more of our actions determined by our best thinking and less determined by EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within the self.
I know this is hard. It’s really hard for me and I’ve been training a lot of years. 
But that emotional picture of the world I nurture inside my head–the one formed from my fears and anxieties, is one tough and relentless customer. My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM wants: to prove I’m right, to show I’m not more wrong than anyone else, to seek relief by winning approval, to buy things that make me feel better, to eat things that make me feel better, to win over people to keep me safe, and that’s just the tip of the tip of the tip of the shaky self berg.
TOMORROW: Which is more important? The world I can touch, the world of facts? Or the world I am responding to, the one I’ve made up and nuture in my head?
AND, what does the answer to this question have to do with my tendency to feel criticized? 
How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?
And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?
Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.
The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage. 
Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers. I rode five days a week about three hours a day. Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here? So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.
And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband. When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive. Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy. 
I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock. My anxiety rose. And rose.
ALERT: If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home. 
Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?
If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.
On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised. And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was. 
I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day. This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches. 
The guy behind the wheel screamed at me. I shot him the bird. It was lovely. I was lovely. So together and mature.
ALERT: If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help.
As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade. 
With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.
MY BEST THINKING: Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding. 
In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.
Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy 
and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable. I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing. Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take. 
He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.
Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.
After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said: “Well, I don’t like it. 
But I love you. I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.” 
I know, I know. People like comments and people have questions. Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments.
It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground. She’s saying, “Okay. I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip. I cannot do both.”
“If you don’t take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.”
“If you ONLY take your life seriously, it’s not worth living.” 
So, how’s that CONVERSATION with YOURSELF going today?
How critical are you . . . 
OF YOU? Like you needed any help. (Don’t forget Dr. P. in case you don’t dislike yourself enough.)
I keep being reminded in my practice– how the OPINION . . . your YOUR SPECIAL PERSON . . . has of you either EMPOWERS you or DIMINISHES your enthusiasm. Stop. That’s a lie. 
A big fat lie. You know, from our journey so far, that YOU, and only you, are responsible for your opinion of yourself. You are responsible for moving forward empowered or slinking back.
STILL . . . it sure is nice to be loved by someone who thinks you could can do anything you set your mind to. 
Life is harder if your closest person sees you as incapable, kicked around by your emotions, undisciplined, unmotivated, not so bright, a dreamer without courage . . . 
oh, that’s enough. Just thinking about that kind situation is a downer.
But, yea! NOT A PROBLEM! That person closest to you is YOU.
You are the one empowering you or doubting you. ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your opinion of you.
Yea!
To be honest, other people don’t really have the time to take care of our opinions. It drives them crazy when we put them in that position.
**Stay tuned for “The Near Fatal, Life-Giving Stop-Sign Incident.”
Remember the social psychology experiment showing that people who rate themselves higher in social desirability than other people rate them actually have the best time?
Being a Self Defined Person means basing actions on Best Thinking rather than Emotional Pressure from Other People and EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from WITHIN THE SELF.
One nasty little personification of our Emotional Guidance System is our INNER TORTURER. You know her. She’s the voice of our anxieties and fears.
Famous lines booming in our heads that can STOP US IN OUR TRACKS.
About goals: “What makes you think you can do that? 
Who do you think you are?”
About love: “Why would anyone pick you? . . . Why would anyone stay with you?”
Examples upcoming. Goals: Horses, Jumps, and Foolish Practices
Love: Spending all night in a phone booth– dialing his number and smoking cigarrettes.
An event happens, say someone in our household disagrees with us. I mean, it could happen. And we RESPOND. How much of our response is OUR DECISION?
How much of our response is the mindless, (ouch, I know, that’s a rough word), automatic defensiveness of our EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM?
You remember our EGS. That part of our brains which CANNOT TOLERATE ANXIETY. That part of our brains that seeks ONE THING–relief from anxiety. That part of our brains able to ignore the fact that what we are doing IS NOT WORKING.
That part of our brain that DOESN’T LEARN from experience. 
But, just bulls on through. That part of our brain . . .
that believes we have NO CONTROL. And we do.
And what does all this have to do with the sect in El Dorado? The living dead women?
Later . . . tonight.
mysteryshrink @ April 22, 2008
