Some serious revolution happened at the usually relaxing Hilton International Branch Office. I probably should mention, children as slaves, togas as disguises were involved. In Progress. Still quivering.
ENCORE POST:
Dateline: (Encore) Willie’s Place, Carl’s Corner, Texas. Whole bunch of people sang here.
Setup: I’m in hiding. Ever since I offered my Body Scan for public consumption…the reporters, the cameras…Geraldo…
Remember John Lennon’s line, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans?”
What a chunk of truth. There I was, in a pretty normal life, planning more normal life….when my world was turned upside down. You guessed it. My Body Scan distribution company …BS,Inc… has been successful beyond my wildest dreams.
Note: What do financial success and fame have to do with the goal of this program? Which, in case you’ve forgotten, is for each of us professed emotional weenies…to muddle toward…just a wee bit toward…improved emotional functioning. Or, simply…to not have every second of every minute of every hour of every day….decided by our emotions. To do more in our lives than run around wasting time, spending money, falling for fad diets, worrying what other people think…comparing ourselves, our kids, our house, our car, our education, our butt size, our creative talents….
Thus, the story of my Body Scan business (BS. Inc.), is but one example of the seduction of the Pseudo Self (see previous on doughnuts and doughnut holes), one more attempt to manage anxiety by propping up my image to the world. If you’d rather go the consumer route, the commercials during one half hour (okay, an hour and a half) of Prison Wives last night, told me a Dodge Ram means I’m confident, staying at a Holiday Inn means I can “be myself”, buying your wife diamonds or an expensive car shows you really think she’s grand… (Using money from the family budget…but, hey, it’s the thought. The thought in this case is, “See, I love you so much I didn’t consider your input when spending this huge amount of money…”)
One way to break the hold “image making” has on us is to laugh at ourselves. Again, if you don’t believe you have any reason to laugh because you are completley emotinally put together….well, Dr. Laura can still be found on the radio.
Back to the real BS, Inc. and whining about the demands of success. Those of you…wiser in the world than I…who lacks even one cell of entrepreneurial expertise…probably spotted my first error in announcing my Body Scan availability. Right. Christmas. Biggest shopping season of the year. How could I foretell the thousands rush orders? So many years of training in human behavior. And, yet I hadn’t predicted the clamor when people recognized my Body Scan products as the perfect present for relatives, officemates, and military serving overseas.
And as is true with lottery winners, I found myself battling an onslaught of business opportunities.
First came the television cable channels in a bidding war for my reality show. “Body Scans Around the World” which had great promise, but is now on hold due to artistic differences…The producer is insisting on a variety of what she calls “outfits” for the various airport venues…while I think to upgrade from black jeans and polo shirts would be a tragic error.
Next, of course, here came Hollywood. Could I write a screenplay? Who did I think should play me in the film? Which ended up in another artistic dispute. I know they think Julia Roberts is perfect, and, probably that’s true if you just go for face and body. But, we’re talking scrutiny by Homeland Security and, right away, it’s going to be glaringly obvious that I am not as tall as Julia Roberts. My suggestion was Heather Locklear. The production will have to wait until some sort of Julia Roberts-Heather Locklear compromise actress can be found.
Where Hollywood goes, can Heff be far behind? Yes, next came the plea for my Body Scan Playboy centerfold which is an obvious choice when you think about it. That offer is also on hold as I am gripped trying to decide if I can bear to have my family see my BS exposed.
To make some sense of my BS bonanza, I’ve decided the best way to go is through selling franchises. I simply cannot keep up with the BS demand around the world on my own. If you see the potential in your section of the world, send me your credit card number. Franchise are, of course, FREE…just pay shipping and handling, and, if you call in the next 24 hours, you can try BS RISK FREE…all you have to do is check the box where you are a member of BS International and will have fifteen dollars deducted from your credit card account for as long as we both shall live.
And, you know how they say…. “The sky’s the limit!”
Well, that’s not true for BS, Inc. I’ve received a down payment and a pint of blood from a man in Quartzite, Arizona, who, thinking out of the box…well outside the trailer….He recognized my Body Scan as proof of alien inhabitation of Earth. The silvery hue. Of course! He wants my BS to make a personal appearance at his grand opening, but I’m afraid coverage in Quartzite will leave me over-exposed.
Dateline: North Austin Medical Center. Cough and Wheeze Section.
As an effort to lend a bit of joy to the Season while I attempt to return to the land of the breathing, I’m running a series from last year explaining how to make extra money.
As you can imagine, if you read part one of the Body Scan manual, I am buried in demand for my products. At long last, I’m going to be rich. People will notice me. No one will cross me. I will have achieved the American Dream.
What’s that you say? The American Dream is more than buying expensive stuff? Oh, no…..You’re saying those of us not so steady in the emotional maturity department would try to BUY our way out of anxiety? Ridiculous. What’da ya think? Black or tan leather in the BMW?
In Progress….Turn Body Scans into Fortunes!
Best of Mysteryshrink.
Dateline: The North Austin Medical Center International Branch Office. Everyone’s here.
Not wanting you to miss a giggle, as I recover (been two and a half weeks, so recovery’s still a far away dream), I’m sending Christmas Cheer from Christamas Past. 
Yeah, still, with all that’s going on, you gotta giggle to make Christamas work.
Scuse me. Must pause for ten minute fit of death-arousing coughing.
Here ya go in three parts.
Clearance Sale. Body Scans for Everyone on Your List!
How Much Would You Pay for a Photo of a Woman Changing Clothes at Target?
If you named a figure, you haven’t spent much time checking out the bodies of me and my fellow shoppers roaming the aisles at Target.
Timing is everything when it comes to cashing in on windfalls. Remember the infamous military pilots association Tailhook Convention at one of the major Las Vegas hotels? Probably not. You don’t remember…because being a much nicer person than I am….You didn’t immediately start searching the globe for a similar convention where you could “accidentally” show up and hang out in the hall in your seductively trimmed Snuggy.
I’d set my sights on winning the lottery, but I can’t keep up with the rules. Thus, my fortune must come from another clever ploy….When I read about the woman in the hallway where the Tailhook conventioneers loaded up on booze started in inventing party games…the woman who claimed someone had shaved her legs…was awarded several million dollars from the hotel to assuage her wounded sense of self…and quiet any further mention of the hotel’s name….
You see where we’re headed here. Yes, I’m hawking full body scans from my various airport security adventures. The best value will be the boxed set. The premium box set includes Scans Around the World and Psychologists Go Wild.
Apparently, “the world some of us are responding to” has in it hordes of Transportation Safety officers thirsting to drool at shiny outlines of travelers at the rate of hundreds per hour….See above comment regarding the erotic potential of me and my Target friends…those porn-crazy body scan voyeurs…are bad enough. But then for people like my special person whose torso contains a medical device…there are those super-bad TSA perverts falling all over themselves to pat him and other similar bodies past their prime.
Hey, what a way to save money in the federal budget. There must be tens of thousands of people who’d pay to have these fantastic, exciting, and indeed exotic jobs. So, no more salaries.
And that’s just the beginning of how the feds can reduce the deficit. If you’ve been on a cruise, you are familiar with the “boarding photograph” tradition. A professional photographer takes a shot of you on the stairs giving a movie-star wave. These photos are displayed for purchase on the wall of the ship opening to the dining room. Yes. Now you see the potential. TSA officers can display two or three hundred body scans a day for sale on the walls of the airport….The money will be pouring into Washington, D.C.
I’m picturing bidding wars here.
What I’m really picturing is myself at fourteen being driven by my mother to my first gynecologist appointment. I’m nervous, of course. Until my mother asked me a question landing me back in reality. “Barbara, do you have any surprises for the doctor?”
“No.” “Then I don’t see you have much to worry about.”
Today’s paper is loaded with stories of people so worried about body scanning and pat-downs they are considering canceling their Christmas plans. That would be sad. Why not have two security lines? One is for those of us who have no surprises for
the security personnel and don’t mind the scanning or the patting-down, and a
second line for those folks “terrified” of the process. And, oh yes, two planes. One for those people who feel “invaded”, allowing them to fly with other people who didn’t want to be scanned or patted. The other plane will be for those of us who’d prefer to travel with people who have gone through security.
My body scans from upcoming flights will be made available for purchase. Better yet, your copy will be free…just pay shipping and handling. Larger versions suitable for framing will be available on that table in Walgreens offering for sale all the items advertised on television as not available in stores.
I know. I promised the tale of the man who moved a mountain to prove he was right. Still to come. I just had to dive into the body scan-pat down hysteria. So mañana….Part Two. Sunburned Chap in the Fishing Hat.
How Much Would You Pay for a Photo of a
Woman Changing Clothes at Target?
If you named a figure, you haven’t spent much time checking out
the bodies of me and my fellow shoppers roaming the aisles at Target.
Timing is everything when it comes to cashing in on windfalls. Remember
the infamous military pilots association Tailhook Convention at one of the
major Las Vegas hotels? Probably not. You don’t remember…because being a much
nicer person than I am….You didn’t immediately start searching the globe for a
similar convention where you could “accidentally” show up and hang
out in the hall in your seductive cut-up Snuggy.
I’d set my sights on winning the lottery, but I can’t keep up
with the rules. Thus, my fortune must come from another clever ploy….When I
read about the woman in the hallway where the Tailhook conventioneers loaded up
on booze started in inventing party games…the woman who
claimed someone had shaved her legs…was awarded several million dollars from the hotel to
assuage her wounded sense of self…and quiet any further mention of the hotel’s
name….
You see where we’re headed here. Yes, I’m hawking full body scans
from my various airport security adventures. The best value will be the boxed set. The premium box set includes Scans Around the World and Psychologists Go
Wild.
Apparently, “the world some of us are responding to” has in it
hordes of Transportation Safety officers thirsting to drool at shiny outlines
of travelers at the rate of hundreds per hour….See above comment about
regarding erotic potential of me and my Target friends…those porn-crazy body
scan voyeurs…are bad enough. But then for people like my special person whose
torso contains a medical device…there are those super-bad TSA perverts falling
all over themselves to pat him and other bodies past their prime.
Hey, what a way to save money in the federal budget. There must
be tens of thousands of people who’d pay to have these fantastic, exciting, and
indeed exotic jobs. So, no more salaries.
And that’s just the beginning of how the feds can reduce the
deficit. If you’ve been on a cruise, you are familiar with the “boarding
photograph” tradition. A professional photographer takes a shot of you on the
stairs giving a movie-star wave. These photos are displayed for purchase on the
wall of the ship opening to the dining room. Yes. Now you see the potential.
TSA officers can display two or three hundred body scans a day for sale on the
walls of the airport….The money will be pouring into Washington, D.C.
I’m picturing bidding wars here.
What I’m really picturing is myself at fourteen being driven by
my mother to my first gynecologist appointment. I’m nervous, of course. Until
my mother asked me a question landing me back in reality. “Barbara, do you have any surprises for the doctor?”
“No.” “Then I don’t see you have much to worry about.”
Today’s paper is loaded with stories of people so worried about
body scanning and pat-downs they are considering canceling their Christmas
plans. That would be sad. Why not have two security lines? One is for those of
us who have no surprises for
the security personnel and don’t mind the scanning or the patting-down, and a
second line for those folks “terrified” of the process. And, oh yes, two
planes. One for those people who feel “invaded”, allowing them to fly with
other people who didn’t want to be scanned or patted. The other plane will be
for those of us who’d prefer to travel with people who have gone through
security.
My body scans from upcoming flights will be made available for
purchase. Better yet, your copy will be free…just pay shipping and handling.
Larger versions suitable for framing will be available on that table in
Walgreens offering for sale all the items advertised on television as not
available in stores.
I know. I promised the tale of the man who moved a mountain to
prove he was right. Still to come. I just had to dive into the body scan-pat
down hysteria. So mañana….Part Two. Sunburned
Chap in the Fishing Hat.
How Much Would You Pay for a Photo of a
Woman Changing Clothes at Target?
If you named a figure, you haven’t spent much time checking out
the bodies of me and my fellow shoppers roaming the aisles at Target.
Timing is everything when it comes to cashing in on windfalls. Remember
the infamous military pilots association Tailhook Convention at one of the
major Las Vegas hotels? Probably not. You don’t remember…because being a much
nicer person than I am….You didn’t immediately start searching the globe for a
similar convention where you could “accidentally” show up and hang
out in the hall in your seductive cut-up Snuggy.
I’d set my sights on winning the lottery, but I can’t keep up
with the rules. Thus, my fortune must come from another clever ploy….When I
read about the woman in the hallway where the Tailhook conventioneers loaded up
on booze started in inventing party games…the woman who
claimed someone had shaved her legs…was awarded several million dollars from the hotel to
assuage her wounded sense of self…and quiet any further mention of the hotel’s
name….
You see where we’re headed here. Yes, I’m hawking full body scans
from my various airport security adventures. The best value will be the boxed set. The premium box set includes Scans Around the World and Psychologists Go
Wild.
Apparently, “the world some of us are responding to” has in it
hordes of Transportation Safety officers thirsting to drool at shiny outlines
of travelers at the rate of hundreds per hour….See above comment about
regarding erotic potential of me and my Target friends…those porn-crazy body
scan voyeurs…are bad enough. But then for people like my special person whose
torso contains a medical device…there are those super-bad TSA perverts falling
all over themselves to pat him and other bodies past their prime.
Hey, what a way to save money in the federal budget. There must
be tens of thousands of people who’d pay to have these fantastic, exciting, and
indeed exotic jobs. So, no more salaries.
And that’s just the beginning of how the feds can reduce the
deficit. If you’ve been on a cruise, you are familiar with the “boarding
photograph” tradition. A professional photographer takes a shot of you on the
stairs giving a movie-star wave. These photos are displayed for purchase on the
wall of the ship opening to the dining room. Yes. Now you see the potential.
TSA officers can display two or three hundred body scans a day for sale on the
walls of the airport….The money will be pouring into Washington, D.C.
I’m picturing bidding wars here.
What I’m really picturing is myself at fourteen being driven by
my mother to my first gynecologist appointment. I’m nervous, of course. Until
my mother asked me a question landing me back in reality. “Barbara, do you have any surprises for the doctor?”
“No.” “Then I don’t see you have much to worry about.”
Today’s paper is loaded with stories of people so worried about
body scanning and pat-downs they are considering canceling their Christmas
plans. That would be sad. Why not have two security lines? One is for those of
us who have no surprises for
the security personnel and don’t mind the scanning or the patting-down, and a
second line for those folks “terrified” of the process. And, oh yes, two
planes. One for those people who feel “invaded”, allowing them to fly with
other people who didn’t want to be scanned or patted. The other plane will be
for those of us who’d prefer to travel with people who have gone through
security.
My body scans from upcoming flights will be made available for
purchase. Better yet, your copy will be free…just pay shipping and handling.
Larger versions suitable for framing will be available on that table in
Walgreens offering for sale all the items advertised on television as not
available in stores.
I know. I promised the tale of the man who moved a mountain to
prove he was right. Still to come. I just had to dive into the body scan-pat
down hysteria. So mañana….Part Two. Sunburned
Chap in the Fishing Hat.
Stress. Some of These Advice Givers are Just Making Stuff Up
Dateline: Gold’s Gym International Branch Office. A couple of Texas basketball players train here in the summer. Makes the treadmill more fun.
Stress Relief Advice for the Holiday Season
How to steam a turkey in a mop bucket, how to make a wreath out of old toothbrushes, how to bake cookies shaped like antlers using sun power, how to spice up your cocoa with plants from your backyard…and on and on.
Are you ready for the feature writers to pull out those well-worn ‘seasonal’ features? How many times do we all have to stand around in the kitchen on Thanksgiving Day and wring our hands trading salmonella rumors?
To honor the relentless nonsensical suggestions we endure this time of year, I’m sharing two bits of bizarre advice to represent the group.
Stress and Fat Free Turkey
Want to enjoy turkey on Thanksgiving, but you are afraid of the fat? (Okay, let’s be honest here. If you are tackling some weight issue or just living your life beating yourself up…if your first concern is the fat in turkey??…Just saying.) This tip is courtesy of one of the doctor shows. The recommendation: “If you want to enjoy turkey on the Big Day but don’t want the fat, substitute that tasty turkey breast and gravy, that delicious turkey leg… with a fat free (read: so dry you could use it as a sponge) ground turkey CUPCAKE. The delusional doctor actually added, “Not only is a turkey cupcake low in fat, it’s fun to eat!”
Doggie Stress at the Turkey Table 
We don’t want to leave out the pet on this family holiday. This chunk of news is taken from some guy on the Animal Channel. “Is your pet a problem at the dinner table? Does your dog beg for a taste of that lucious turkey dinner the people are enjoying?”
Now, right away, the fact this guy can ask such questions should warn you to plug your ears with hot tar. Lucky for us dog owners, he answers his own questions. He says, (You should probably sit down for this one.) “While it may seem like what your dog wants is a bit of food, all he really wants is your attention.” (I know. I almost choked I was laughing so hard.)
The dog man continues: “When your dog begs at Thanksgiving Dinner, just slip your hand under the table and give him a pat on the head.”
Right. And bring back a bloody stub. A guest tearing out of the house for the emergency room during Thanksgiving Dinner is such a downer. It’s a downer for the foolishly injured person, too, because the wait will be long at the hospital. Lots of people ‘full of in a holiday spirit’ who forgot to use a potholder taking the turkey out of the oven. Those folks often sport broken toes and charred shins. Then there are the domestic violence cases. Men with turkey legs wedged sideways in their mouths and women who lost the sweet potates and marshmellows food fight.On Thanksgiving day you have to wait forever to see a doctor….I mean, that’s what I’ve heard.
Coming: Recipe Exclusive! Famous Triple Stuffed Turkey
Stress and Anxiety at the Pool
Dateline: San Antonio MiTierra International Branch Office. Home of most beautiful bar and an incredible bakery. Working with mariachis and tacos. Life is good.
The paper this morning had a letter from a woman who was appalled, very appalled. Appalled enough to take some serious action. Those of us in Texas have suffered a drought over the summer leading to watering restrictions of various sorts and lots of conversation.
The Appalled Lady (AL) was writing to inform the city of a natural resources problem that, perhaps, the rest of us didn’t know about. Austin, Texas is the home of a fabulous natural swimming area amid the granite—Barton Springs. AL happened to be in the showers at Barton Springs when she spotted the . . . Degenerate Water Wasters (DWWs).
AP was actually on her way home when the dastardly deed was thrown in her face. Well, not exactly “thrown.” Okay, to be honest, AP only overheard the crimes committed against humanity.
As AP reported, one woman took seven minutes shaving her legs in the shower. Another woman flushed twice. Something must e done!
What we pay attention to in our world, can make life lovely or just kind of constantly irritating. But, you say, while it’s true that a person can change her interpretation of what she sees, but not what she sees. Actually you can. What you “see” is a reflection of your thoughts, the mindset you bring to the situation.
This can get scary in a hurry when it comes to family and marriage. What happens if you decide your spouse is lazy? A control freak? Not as smart as you? Isn’t capable 
of love? Is selfish? Who will be the person who sits down to supper across the table from you? Which characteristics of your spouse are likely to grow?
What happens if you decide a family member is hopeless? A political nut? Pushy? A loser? Stuck up? What happens when you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner surrounded by these troublesome people?
What happens if Appalled Lady isn’t looking for Degenerate Water Wasters? What happens if she notices the culprits, then decides to pay attention trying to remember the lyrics of Delta Dawn as she shares her passion as a shower singer?
Stress and the Man-Woman Thing
One study had college females pass out exams to large auditoriums of graduate students. Each participant first took a test that showed the female’s level of comfort with men. After she had handed out the exams, the researcher simply asked her to
estimate the percentage of men and women in the class. The young women who were
fearful of men or thought that men were mysterious and very different from women regularly over-estimated the number of men in the class.
Yeah, yeah. I get it. I realize that by pointing out the Appalled Woman…I’m put her in my world when I didn’t have to pay attention.
Next: The Man Who Tried to Train the Gardener.
Word to Dr. Drew: Don’t think you have to run the line, “Do Not Do This At Home” when showing the acrobats of Cirque Cirque du Soleil. I’m pretty sure we’d figure that out 25 seconds into our plan to practice for a big show tryout.
Stress, Addiction, and the “Stolen Identity Incident”
Dateline: San Antonio River Walk International Branch Office. One block over, on March 6, 1836, all the well-armed and well-dressed Mexicans in the world, stormed the Alamo killing everyone inside. 
Newspapers in the weeks following ran stories encouraging settlers to “Come on down!” As one of those news articles in the Texas State Library says, “Texas is still a great opportunity for you and your family. The report claiming that the men in the Alamo were killed is a false rumor, propaganda sent out by politicians.” Sigh. Things haven’t changed much.
In thinking about stress management and addiction, I realized it was time for the periodic pledge, the pledge that can eliminate loads of stress right off the top.
The pledge: I can be as big an idiot as anyone else. Even as big an idiot as the people I’m calling idiots. Whew. What a relief not to have to go through the world upset when people don’t do things the way I do, or more honestly, the way I think they should do them.
My special person and I were married in Mexico City and before you pull up lofty visions of the “destination” weddings where the couple or parents rent a hotel for a weekend and fly in two hundred of their closest friends to Paris or Tahiti, the event included the Registro Civil, the two of us, and the taxi driver as a witness. He was a graduate student and I was a college junior though not the typical age of that group due to several spectacular detours.
In other words. We had no money. Before our big adventure,we embraced our American citizenship and took out a Mastercard. The trip was great, Acapulco, villages, historicalcities. A good time was had by all. The trouble started when we received our Mastercard bill which was a huge amount way beyond our own frugal spending.Clearly, the credit card number had been stolen and whoever took it charged everythingin sight knowing once they were caught the party was over.
Incensed, we marched down to the bank issuing the card and met with the head of the fraud department who was very sympathetic and assured us the bank would help find the culprit. All we had to do was sit down at the computer screen and review the charges marking the ones we did not make. Much relieved we set to work. Thirty minutes later we waited until the fraud director was away from her desk, then we ducked our heads and sneaked quietly to the elevator and out of there.
Repeat after me: “I can be as big an idiot…”
For those who honestly believe they are not subject to all the craziness of being human, there’s always Dr.Laura who knows all.
For me, it’s a comfort to recognize we’re all nuts.