Fusion and the “Woman Who Didn’t Know If She Liked French Fries Incident”
Dateline: Bergstrom Interantional Airport, which is deep in the forests of northeast part of Germany or in south Austin.
Fusion is the emotional process that occurs when the way one person feels is automatically absorbed by another person. Every close relationship includes a certain amount of adaptation to calm the other, the question is, to what degree? It’s only with too much fusion that we get into trouble.
For example: the family member who avoids going home for Christmas because he or she feels like a different person (less confident) when around family. The usual rationalization is to claim nothing in common or to have a list of past injustices.)
The horse I had once who wouldn’t eat at horseshows unless his buddy in the next stall at home came along with him on the road. (Fusion can get expensive.)
The cheerleader’s mother who tried to murder the mother of one of her daughter’s rivals so that the girl would be too upset to be competitive.
The wife who longed to tour Italy but stopped bringing it up after a few years to avoid the anxiety in her that was stirred up by her husband’s anxiety at the thought of shaking up the routine.
The student who can only perform well when ‘liked’ by the teacher.
A loved spouse who only feels safe when his or her partner is happy.
and…
The Woman Who Didn’t Know if She Liked French Fries:
A college roommate, we’ll call her K, met an wealthy older man who promised her a new life. Not all that happy with the life she had, she married him. K gathered up her country-raised self and welcomed the makeover into an upscale wife. Three years later the new look wasn’t worth putting up with the all the other women her husband provided with new lives. The night of their last big fight, K and I met at midnight at a 24 hour café. I ordered the burger and fries, but K told the waiter she needed more time.
K picked up the menu and stared. “I don’t know what to order,” she said.
“Burgers and fries are good here,” I said.
“That’s the problem,” K said. “Dave thinks I should lose weight, so I always order what I know he thinks I should eat. I don’t remember if I like French fries or not.”
The emotional process of calming self by calming the anxious other has many names and faces. The term co-dependent, no longer in vogue since insurance won’t pay for it anymore, was defined as calming self when next to an anxious other by ‘helping’ that person. The co-dependent is the person who lies for the addict, supplies money, and sometimes takes on responsibility for locating the ‘drug of choice’ for them. In this situation the addict is very clear about what will calm them down—for the moment. He or she is good at promising that if the other doesn’t do what he or she commands worse consequences are to come.
The addict turns responsibility for his or her life over to the other. The addict learns to be very good at convincing others to listen to his or her claims about life and to ignore their own beliefs. Through this process, a person can end up “living” another person’s life. Much like the woman who didn’t know if she liked french fries.
Next: Anxiety and Potatoes Part Two, the “Woman Who Used Two Potato Peelers at Once” Incident.
