I’m A Big Wennie, Too

Posted on September 8, 2008 by mysteryshrink

Lest there be any question, I did not intend to put down the struggling wife mentioned yesterday. Never. Some people have better “front offices” than the rest of us.

They hold in their anxiety, and thus they come across cool instead of HYSTERICAL like the rest of us. But the husband in the example was no more functional than the wife, just using means other than obvious “relationship dependence” to calm himself down. Who knows, maybe he had someone on the side (or gets someone) using relationship dependence in spades.

“Relationship dependence” is when we need a particular response from a particular other person to CALM DOWN, START THINKING AND GET BACK IN CHARGE of our lives.

And what’s particularly interesting and self-destructive about this method of calming ourselves down is that it DRIVES OTHER PEOPLE CRAZY. It drives AWAY the person we want to keep close.

How nuts is that?

RELATIONSHIP DEPENDENCE

Posted on September 7, 2008 by mysteryshrink

A supreme and successful effort to manage . . . RELATIONSHIP DEPENDENCE.

I was seeing a couple, both of whom were university professors. (All descriptions are disguised and combined to not apply to actual persons. I have enough wacky people in my family to use anyway.) The husband was frustrated with the marriage and had moved into his own apartment. Things were improving with therapy as each learned more about their reactivity and anxiety management, but the husband was not ready to re-commit. The wife had a research report tour scheduled which would take her on the road for two months and require her to make presentations to large groups, a process that was hard for her.

In the last session before she was to leave, she asked her husband to promise that their marriage was going to work out. Though she made it very clear he could cure her current anxiety by saying what she wanted to hear, he held his ground that he was still unsure. He was particularly worried that if they got back together she would end up leaning on him again for her sense of self. Prior to separating the wife had suffered panic attacks if left alone and all night bouts of anger insisting that her husband was not caring enough.

She upped the ante saying she couldn’t go on the trip, couldn’t fulfill her obligations unless he said they were going to make it as a couple. He did not give in.

The wife headed out on the tour. During the second week, while she was in New York, the husband called at around eleven to ask how she was doing. The first few minutes was enjoyable for both. The husband said “Goodnight,” as was pleasantly signing off when the wife shouted, “Stop!” He did. She started crying and saying he’d ruined her tour, that he’d never loved her, and that she was going out to find some man who did. He pleaded to continue the discussion the next day. She refused continuing to list his crimes and her own faults. After several more attempts to close the conversation, the husband hung up.

The wife called him back with more emotional blasting. After ten minues, he hung up. She called again. He hung up. She called again. He’d taken the phone off the hook.

The wife threw herself on the bed hysterical, more because she’d made such an absolute mess of things than anything else. The urge to hear from her husband was almost unbearable. She “felt” out of control and absolutely hopeless.

THEN, she remembered a word or two about taking the energy she was using to TRY AND GET A RESPONSE from another person . . .

And using that energy to MANAGE her OWN anxiety.

Instead of rolling around on the bed, feeling worse and worse, ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED SHE COULD NOT FEEL BETTER, until she got the feedback she wanted from her husband–SHE DECIDED TO TAKE CHARGE.

As she told me: “What did I have to lose,” I asked myself. “I got up, got dressed and went out on the sidewalk and started walking. I was in Times Square, so there were plenty of interesting people. Even though every cell in my body (okay, that’s my phrase) wanted to either try to contact my husband or wallow in continuing misery, I started LOOKING at the interesting people. I looked at the marquees. I told myself I was going to walk and walk and walk until I WAS IN CHARGE OF MYSELF. And I did.”

When her husband called, she apologized for dumping her anxiety into the phone call. He heard, for the first time, that she understood what it meant to be responsible for self.

Who’s Life Is It, Anyway?

Posted on September 3, 2008 by mysteryshrink

Two phrases from two older movies will be the theme for a few days.

“I’M IN CHARGE!” from Hustle and Flow. (Think of both of these guys inside your head trying to be in charge.)

and “I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF!” from a whole bunch of others. Not to mention, these are the people who spend their lives in prisons — real and fabricated.

It’s about who’s deciding what goes on inside your chest cavity. Who decides your level of motivation. Who’s in charge.

Back later.

Sensitivity: Good News/Bad News

Posted on August 3, 2008 by mysteryshrink

What does it mean when a parent says, “She’s so sensitive?”

Does it mean she’s, INFLEXIBLE, FEARFUL, LIKELY TO EXAGGERATE, LIKELY TO TURN ON HERSELF, LIKELY TO TURN ON OTHERS? (Fearful of what you ask? All those bad things, those waiting-to-get-you thought-streams in your imaginary lint tube. See yesterday.)

Ouch. “Sensitive” doesn’t sound so good.

When others see you as “sensitive,” in what ways do others change their behavior so that YOU DO NOT GET ANXIOUS?

Out of the Black Knight, MysteryShrink is Back!

Posted on July 22, 2008 by mysteryshrink

I know, I’ve been told. And, now I’m back.

And when I review the complaints over my absence, I remind myself of what I tell clients who complain that their spouse or parent or sibling “is always wanting me to spend more time with them.” I reply, “It could be the opposite, you know. Think about that. How would it feel to hear your spouse, sibling, or parent is always saying, ‘Gee, I wish I could spend less time with (your name here)’.”

The spin YOU put on your life as it plays out is UP TO YOU.

Everyday, in every way, work on that ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE.

TOMORROW. YES, TOMORROW: Back to our efforts toward greater emtional maturity, to our efforts to have more of our actions determined by our best thinking and less determined by EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within the self.

I know this is hard. It’s really hard for me and I’ve been training a lot of years. But that emotional picture of the world I nurture inside my head–the one formed from my fears and anxieties, is one tough and relentless customer. My EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM wants: to prove I’m right, to show I’m not more wrong than anyone else, to seek relief by winning approval, to buy things that make me feel better, to eat things that make me feel better, to win over people to keep me safe, and that’s just the tip of the tip of the tip of the shaky self berg.

TOMORROW: Which is more important? The world I can touch, the world of facts? Or the world I am responding to, the one I’ve made up and nuture in my head?

AND, what does the answer to this question have to do with my tendency to feel criticized?

BUT WHAT IS BEST THINKING?

Posted on May 12, 2008 by mysteryshrink

How do I know when I’m using my BEST THINKING and when I’m making my decision as the result of EMOTIONAL PRESSURE from others or from within myself?

And what does BEST THINKING have to do with a near fatal stop sign incident?

Now, I’m being dreadfully honest here about my emotional immaturity, so do consider this stop sign thing happened a while back.

The incident and the realization that I’d better grow up in my marriage. Up until a few years ago, I showed horses–jumpers. I rode five days a week about three hours a day. Also, I worked full-time at a hospital, had a private practice, wrote a book, read all the time–and did I mention my parents live here? So, there’s more time from my wifely duties, obligations I filled pitifully, at best, if you go my typical standards.

And, poor soul, I had (still do) a husband. When the time spent riding issue arose, he didn’t think my defense that at least I spent no time cooking or keeping house was particularly impressive. Thus, anytime I was asked the question, “So when do you think you’ll be back from the stable tonight? my brain went whooshy. I’d stumble around for a time, check out his voice tone, and study the clock. My anxiety rose. And rose.

ALERT: If your first response to solving my anxiety (and huge guilt) problem was for me to sit down, tell my husband how anxious I was, and ASK HIM to change HOW he asked me when I’d be home. Or emotionally brow beat him until he promised to never again show frustration with my late hours . . . if he really loves me he’d want to help me wouldn’t he?

If these were your first thoughts–the stop sign incident is for you.

On this particular evening I was about forty-five minutes later leaving the barn than I had promised. And way anxious–about what he was going to say, about what a crappy wife I was. I approached a four-way stop intersection that I crossed every day. This time, rehearsing my excuses and my stomach in a knot, (no cell phones yet) I blew through the stop sign and missed T-boning a car by inches. The guy behind the wheel screamed at me. I shot him the bird. It was lovely. I was lovely. So together and mature.

ALERT: If you’re thinking the mean man behind the wheel of the other car shouldn’t have screamed at poor little me–well, I’m not sure I can help.

As I sat there assessing my situation, it occurred to me that I was not behaving or feeling differently than I had coming home late walking home from the third grade.

With all the responsibilities that come with adulthood (not to mention a decade of training) it seemed like I could do better if I thought the situation through.

MY BEST THINKING: Time leaving the barn varied by how many people were there for show coaching, how many horses were backed up on the wash rack, and whether or not my horses were having a good day or a day requiring much remedial riding. In order to continue in this demanding hobby, I’d have to admit the variability of time required and face the consequences.

Immediately on arriving home, I sat down with the good guy and said that I had decided to stop making promises about when I’d be home from the stable. I acknowledged that I wouldn’t want to be married to someone involved in showing horses, but I loved what I was doing. Instead of being up front, I’d been making promises about when I’d be home when my best thinking was I didn’t have enough control over training to forecast how long coaching would take. He would have to trust my judgement and accept that I loved him very much and looked forward to being home with him as much as he looked forward to being with me.

Of course, I could and would make exceptions for those evenings when something special was planned or if he had a request.

After a bit of protest, all of which I recognized as valid, he said: “Well, I don’t like it. But I love you. I guess some people come with pianos– you come with horses.”

Why Are No Comments Allowed?

Posted on May 9, 2008 by mysteryshrink

I know, I know. People like comments and people have questions. Unfortunately, due to ethical considerations and the large volume of readers, there is no way for me to read and respond to comments.

It’s like the woman in the cartoon standing behind the car with the trunk open– suitcases, piles of clothes, and all sorts of recreational equipment piled on the ground. She’s saying, “Okay. I can either pack for this trip or go on this trip. I cannot do both.”

MysteryShrink

A Psychologist on the Loose

Tag Archives: work success